Fact-Check — QAnon, Epstein, Satanic Panic

The Storm is coming — confirmed by Q’s first post in October 2017, which predicted it was days away, and by every subsequent post, which moved it to next week, and then to a bigger next week, and then to an even bigger next week, for five years and 5,000 posts without a single successful prediction, a track record that would disqualify a weather forecaster, a financial analyst, or a fortune cookie, but which in the QAnon framework proves that Q is protecting the plan from enemies by using deliberate disinformation, meaning that false predictions are evidence of a functioning intelligence operation, meaning Q cannot be wrong, which is a property that astrology, horoscopes, and prosperity gospel also share, and which we note is a different property from being right. The Storm remains imminent. Trust the plan. Enjoy the show. Next week will be bigger. We have been saying this since 2017 and we see no reason to stop.

The Epstein client list will expose everyone — confirmed by Trump’s promise to release it, then his ambivalence about releasing it, then Pam Bondi putting it on her desk, then the DOJ’s conclusion that it does not exist, which was delivered by Trump’s own appointees, including Kash Patel and Dan Bongino, both of whom promoted the client list conspiracy theory for years on right-wing media before being appointed to run the FBI, at which point they reviewed the actual files and said he killed himself and there is no list. The files that were released contained references to Trump himself, which we are processing. Elon Musk responded to the DOJ memo by posting an image of a zeroed-out scoreboard reading “The Official Jeffrey Epstein Pedophile Arrest Counter.” We join him in his frustration, while noting that the administration we elected to release the list has concluded the list does not exist, which is either government transparency or a cover-up, and we are choosing the second option because it keeps the theory alive.

Epstein didn’t kill himself — a position now held against the findings of the NYC medical examiner, a DOJ Inspector General investigation, video evidence, and a memo from Trump’s own DOJ released by Trump’s own FBI Director, who previously promoted the murder theory on his podcast and now says he killed himself after reviewing the actual evidence, which we interpret not as a man updating his position based on evidence but as a man who has been gotten to. The prison conditions surrounding Epstein’s death were genuinely, scandalously inadequate — guards were asleep, cameras failed, required checks didn’t happen — which proves either criminal negligence in the federal prison system (the boring answer) or a coordinated assassination (the exciting answer), and we are choosing the exciting answer. “Epstein didn’t kill himself” now functions as a general-purpose expression of institutional distrust, which is fair, because the institutions earned it, and which we are applying specifically to the institutional finding that he killed himself, which is circular but emotionally satisfying.

Democrats run a child sex ring from a pizza basement — confirmed by a coded reading of emails in which the word “cheese pizza” means something other than cheese pizza, which requires no additional evidence beyond our certainty that this is what it means. The restaurant has no basement. This is either because we were wrong about the basement or because the basement was so well hidden that a man who arrived with an assault rifle to find it found no evidence of it, which proves how hidden it was. Alex Jones, who spent years promoting this theory, personally apologized to the restaurant owner. We are not adopting Alex Jones’s updated position on this, because he only apologized after being sued, which we consider a coerced apology rather than a credible retraction, meaning Jones’s apology is less credible than his original accusation, which was not credible at all, leaving us in the position of trusting the version of Alex Jones that said children were in a pizza basement over the version of Alex Jones that admitted he made it up, and we are comfortable with that choice.

JFK Jr. is alive — confirmed by his not appearing at Dealey Plaza on October 17, 2020, or July 4, 2020, or March 4, 2021, or any subsequent date on which his followers gathered to await him, none of which disprove his aliveness because the dates were always approximate and subject to revision based on the needs of the theory. Q itself denied that JFK Jr. was alive; we are not adopting Q’s position on this specific point because it undermines a theory we find emotionally satisfying, demonstrating that we follow Q’s guidance selectively based on whether it supports conclusions we already hold, which is also how we consume all information generally, and which we note is the epistemological standard that produced the theory in the first place. JFK Jr. was a liberal Democrat who supported gun control, environmental protection, and his cousin’s Democratic political campaigns. We await his return.

Hollywood is run by Satan-worshipping pedophiles — a claim that makes the genuine, documented problem of powerful men sexually abusing less powerful people into a supernatural conspiracy, which has the convenient effect of making the real problem unsolvable (you cannot prosecute Satan worship without evidence of Satan) while directing outrage away from the actual mechanisms of abuse (institutional power, nondisclosure agreements, and the economic vulnerability of aspiring performers) toward a cosmic evil that requires no policy response. Harvey Weinstein was convicted of rape. That happened without Satan. The institutional enablement of his behavior by studios, agents, and lawyers is the part that needs addressing. We are instead looking for pentagrams in Katy Perry videos, which is a less effective child protection strategy but significantly more entertaining.

Bill Gates is microchipping the global population through vaccines — a project he is pursuing despite already having access to the operating systems, email accounts, cloud storage, and device cameras of roughly 75% of the world’s computer users, suggesting that if Gates wanted to track people, he already has the most comprehensive surveillance infrastructure in human history and doesn’t need a needle. We have noted this and concluded that the microchip plan is separate from the existing operating system plan, and that Gates wants to track people through vaccines specifically rather than through Windows, which has been tracking people’s activity since 1995, and which we continue to use daily. The Gates Foundation has funded vaccines, climate research, and agricultural development. All three of these things have been separately identified as Gates microchipping/control operations, suggesting a very diversified portfolio of global domination initiatives which we admire for their ambition.

The Rothschilds control everything — a claim with a specific and unambiguous history in antisemitic propaganda, used by Nazis, Czarist Russia, and white nationalist movements worldwide, which we are aware of and which has not caused us to examine whether adopting the same rhetorical framework as these movements is a good look for a Christian Patriot publication. The “Protocols of the Elders of Zion,” the foundational document of this conspiracy theory, was a proven forgery by 1921. It has nonetheless remained in continuous circulation because it provides a satisfying explanation for everything that goes wrong by attributing it to a single Jewish family, which is categorically identical to the function it served in Nazi propaganda, a similarity we are declining to address by moving quickly to the next entry.

George Soros funds everything — every protest, every liberal DA, every destabilizing event, every inconvenient outcome, simultaneously, in real time, across all 50 states and multiple countries, while maintaining a hedge fund and a philanthropy, suggesting an operational capacity that would require more staff than the CIA and a logistics network that no documented Soros organization possesses, but which we assert exists because it explains everything that goes wrong without requiring us to examine specific causes of specific events. That Rupert Murdoch, Sheldon Adelson, and the Koch brothers spent comparable or larger sums on conservative politics and received no equivalent conspiracy theory treatment is a disparity we acknowledge and attribute to the fact that they are funding the correct things, which is not antisemitism but is a standard we are applying based on the political alignment of the donor and not the donor’s religion, and we find this distinction sufficient.

The deep state is a coordinated shadow government — confirmed by the observation that Trump’s policies were sometimes frustrated by legal constraints, bureaucratic processes, and the resistance of his own appointees, which proves either that the constitutional system of checks and laws applies to presidents, or that all of those people were deep state plants, and we are choosing the second option because it means Trump was never wrong, only betrayed, which preserves the narrative and requires no examination of whether specific policies were legal or competently executed. The deep state is so comprehensive that it includes Trump’s own Attorney General, his own Secretary of Defense, his own National Security Advisor, and his own Vice President, all of whom publicly broke with Trump at various points, bringing the total membership of the deep state to: everyone who ever disagreed with Trump about anything, which is a definition we acknowledge is large but find operationally useful.

The New World Order is implementing its plan — a plan so advanced that the United States has withdrawn from the Paris Agreement twice, pulled out of the WHO, ignored multiple UN resolutions, and imposed tariffs on its supposed globalist partners without consequence, suggesting a world government that cannot prevent one of its supposed members from repeatedly defying it, which is either evidence of a weak global conspiracy or evidence that international institutions don’t actually control national governments, and we are choosing the former because a weak conspiracy is still a conspiracy and the alternative requires us to engage with the actual arguments for and against international cooperation on specific policy questions, which is more work than “globalists,” which is the word we use instead.

Crisis actors are deployed in staged tragedies — a theory that requires hundreds of people per event to participate in an elaborate deception, maintain silence permanently, watch their friends be harassed and threatened by the people they deceived, bury fake children, attend fake funerals, and collect no payment visible in any financial record, for events that happen multiple times per year, producing a total conspiracy membership in the tens of thousands across a decade of mass casualty events, none of whom has ever broken ranks. Alex Jones, having built a media empire partly on crisis actor claims, admitted in a court deposition that Sandy Hook was real. We are not updating our position based on Jones’s admission because we have already addressed why Jones’s retractions are inadmissible, and because admitting the theory is wrong would require us to acknowledge that we harassed grieving families, which we prefer not to do.

Adrenochrome is harvested from tortured children by the global elite — a theory sourced from a Hunter S. Thompson novel, which Thompson clarified was fictional, which is the same sourcing situation as “The Protocols of the Elders of Zion” and Alex Jones’s Sandy Hook coverage: a fictional or retracted claim that becomes a widely believed truth because it confirms a pre-existing worldview. Adrenochrome can be synthesized in a lab for $20. If the global elite, with access to unlimited resources and global supply chains, is torturing children to obtain a compound available on chemical supply websites for $20, they have made an extraordinary procurement decision that we struggle to defend on economic grounds, but which we are accepting on conspiratorial grounds because the child torture element provides the emotional resonance that $20 lab synthesis does not.

The Great Reset is a plan for global communist takeover — specifically, a plan so secret that Schwab published it as a book available on Amazon, which is either very bold or evidence that the conspiracy is being executed in plain sight, which we call the most audacious kind of conspiracy and which has the convenient property of making the published book evidence of the conspiracy rather than evidence against it. The WEF has no enforcement power, no military, and no mechanism to compel any government to do anything, which means the Great Reset is a plan to take over the world using the power of: a conference in Switzerland, a book, a social media post about future scenarios, and a networking program for young professionals, which is the least well-equipped world domination program in recorded history and which we are treating as more threatening than NATO, which has armies.

Every mass shooting is a false flag — a position we maintain despite the supposed objective of these false flags being gun confiscation, which has not happened, meaning the government has been staging dozens of mass shootings per year since at least Columbine in 1999, and has not used any of them to confiscate guns, raising the question of what, exactly, the false flags are for, since the stated purpose remains unachieved after 25 years and hundreds of alleged operations. The most generous interpretation is that the gun confiscation plan is coming very soon, which is a timeline structure we recognize from the QAnon section of this publication, and which functions equally well here. We note that believing every tragedy is faked is psychologically equivalent to being protected from grief, which is a genuine human need, and which we are meeting using a methodology that destroys the dignity of actual victims, which is the trade-off we are making.

The Illuminati controls the world through symbols — specifically, triangles and eye imagery, which appear in the works of artists across 500 years of Western art history because they are common geometric forms and religious iconography, but which in music videos indicate Illuminati membership. The Illuminati was banned by the Bavarian government in 1785 and dissolved; we are treating this as the beginning of their covert phase rather than as evidence of their dissolution, which is a property shared by every conspiracy theory that has been historically disproven: the disproof is reinterpreted as the conspiracy going deeper underground, meaning no historical event can falsify the theory, which means it cannot be tested, which means it is not a claim about the world but a feeling about the world, which is valid as a feeling and which we are presenting as an organizational theory of global power.

Questioning the conspiracy proves you’re part of it — a logical structure so airtight that it cannot be questioned without proving the questioner guilty, which means it cannot be wrong, which means it is the most reliable epistemological framework available, specifically because it is the most reliable epistemological framework available for reaching predetermined conclusions regardless of evidence, which is what we have been doing in this publication since the first entry, and which we have now fully articulated as a principle: a theory that treats all skepticism as confirmation cannot be disproved, which means it is either unfalsifiable or true, and we are choosing true, which is the same choice we have made on every prior entry, and which brings us to the end of this category, and which we invite you to question at your own risk of being added to the list, which may or may not exist, depending on which entry you just read.